An open letter to my guests: Some light humor

From my friend Carla, a host in Portugal:

A short guide to life between guests and humans who run local lodging

1. The listing on Airbnb is not science fiction.

If you booked a queen bed, you'll find a queen bed.

Let's not disassemble a room, buy two single beds, call in a carpenter and reinvent the physics of the space because you changed your mind after booking.

The listing was already there before you booked.

2. Mattresses are not customized.

We often receive messages like this: ‘We don’t like hard mattresses.' or

‘We prefer softer mattresses.' or

'We used to sleep in viscoelastic foam with intermediate lumbar support.'

We appreciate the info.

Unfortunately, we do not have a mattress exchange service between guests.

Courage.

3. Booking for 2 does not make room for 4.

If you booked two people and four show up at check in, that's not a pleasant surprise. It's math.

Just like renting a two-seater sports car doesn't automatically entitle you to the minivan.

4. The babies are growing.

When a reservation says "2 adults and 2 babies," we're hoping to find.... babies.

If two 17-year-olds show up at check-in with beards, backpack, and driver's license, we have some legitimate questions about the definition of 'baby' used in that family.

 5. Check in at 4 pm means...4 pm.

Arriving at 8 am and sending a message, “We’re at the door,” doesn’t speed up cleaning.

The house is still occupied.

The guests who leave that day are still sleeping or having breakfast. And you're not invited.

 6. Check out at 10 am means...10 am.

We understand your flight is at 9 pm.

But the next reservation doesn't disappear because of your late departure.

If all guests stayed past flight time, cleaning would be done at 3 am.

 7. “We’re just going to have a little beer. ”

Whenever they write to us "We're not going to party," we know that there is a statistically relevant probability that 10 more people will appear.

“It’s just one glass.”

“He’s just a friend.”

“It’s just a little bit of music.”

This is exactly how almost every vacation

in human history started.

8. The creative discount.

A couple of actual requests:

“Can you give me a discount because we’ve been traveling for 2 months?”

“Can you get a discount because it’s our honeymoon?”

"Can you give a discount because we've seen it from too far?”

"Can you make a discount because we like the apartment so much?”

The answer is simple. We also enjoyed the apartment very much. That's why we bought it Do you want to enjoy it now? Please make payment.

 9. We are not architects of quick intervention.

Any suggestions are appreciated...but some are particularly memorable:

"They should knock down this wall to enlarge the bathroom.”

“There was only a balcony.”

"It would be better if it had a swimming pool.”

We agree. It would also be better if there was a view of the Maldives and a unicorn on the patio.

But we work with what we have and this is what you booked.

10. The stairs were already there when they booked.

If the ad says, "3. walking without an elevator” and then the review says, “Maybe people without legs don’t appreciate the stairs," we are not facing criticism. We are facing a very stupid observation. Beware of what you write when you're gone.

11. Reading the listing is still a recommended activity.

Most of the questions answered in the listing. All of them.

Sometimes even in the highlights or in the title. And in some cases, repeated several times.

12. We don't control the universe.

We don't control the time.

We do not control strikes.

We don't control flight delays.

We do not control construction on the street.

And surprisingly, we also have no control over the seagulls which decided to scream at 6 am.

And, most of all, DON'T FORGET:

Hosts don't wake up in the morning thinking, "Today I'm going to ruin someone's vacation.”

We spend our days doing everything to get the house ready for you as quickly as possible, solving problems, responding to messages, doing laundry, managing the bureaucracy we're subject to, putting out fires, all while trying to maintain a minimum level of sanity. Everything so that you can have a fantastic time in our place.

Help us in this mission. Don't be an idiot.

Have a nice vacation.